The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
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All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what