I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
You Might Also Like
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands