Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
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I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…