WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
You Might Also Like
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.