Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
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Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
All is fair in drunk and war.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
welp
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Cucumbers Anonymous
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Good morning!
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it