I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
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Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
“TGIM!” – My liver
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide