@Browtweaten Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
@CCRuns I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
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@Browtweaten 
@ABurgerADay *takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
@Julian_Epp Cats (2019)
@TheToddWilliams [creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
@BlindChow One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
@clichedout boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
@Shen_the_Bird robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
@iGreenGod I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
@iits_hassan How dramatic are you?
@jharden21 Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties