WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
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[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!