[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
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Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
*power walks to the refrigerator*