GF: “Can I be frank?”

Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”

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My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”


People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”


[in bed]

Me: Don’t you love being on top?

Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind

Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom


I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.


Boss – can you pass a piss test?

Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?


Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either


My daughter gave me a tiny leaf as a present three days ago and now she wants to know where it is. Pray for me


My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything

My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing