GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
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Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN