Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
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I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!