I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
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Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.