“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
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*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
#oldknees
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.