the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
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Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
British people be like I’m Bri ish
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?