Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
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Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.