If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
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I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor