The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
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I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.