My iPhone: Face ID
Me: πββοΈ
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
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Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and itβs comforting to know I wonβt be going to hell alone
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kidsβ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
I only carry an old Spencerβs gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say βI hope you like lava lampsβ
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said βanyhooβ
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a cafΓ©, I just leave an open google search for βhow to clean a yeast infection off a laptopβ. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [π½οΈ: Rebecca Gelernter]
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
βAre you an adult?β
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
pet rent is the stupidest concept iβve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
911: whats the emergency?
β: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.