911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
You Might Also Like
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
A collection of me turning into random objects.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.