*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
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Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.