I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
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My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
me doing my best
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
The pen is writier than the sword.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet