i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
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10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
A choir of Spring onions
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.