ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
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Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
“Sheer Arrogance”
My flabber has been gasted.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is