Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
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cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.