Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
You Might Also Like
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
“You’d better run, egg!”
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
The prophecy is fulfilled
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*