So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
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i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
I have many caverns
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.