Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
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damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off