Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
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An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
He is just living hist best little life 😊
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”