Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”

My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.

I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.

Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.

The nerve of some health experts.

If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?

ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small

“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”

“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”

[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING

Murderer: What?

Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps

Murderer: omg lemme check mine

co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons

bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird

I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white

Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys

[1st night w/Russian bride]

“take yr panties off”

[smaller panties underneath]

“them too”

[even smaller panties underneath]

“damnit…”

Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse

Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.

If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.

waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours

Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb

Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.

I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.

If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash

THIS HEADLINE

Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.

My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?

Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.

Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.

Head Chef: You’re fired.

Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-

Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.

I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe

Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom