me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
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Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Don’t we all.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
i want the dreams to chase me for once