Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
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My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so