Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
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You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.