Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
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Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.