[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
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It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret