1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
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If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.