Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
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ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
wtf management?!
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.