ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
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I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me: