2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
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Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.