Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
You Might Also Like
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
consequences, the bane of my existence
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Rambo Rambow
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked