Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
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Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
secret recipe
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Sorry. Not sorry
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone