I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
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I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.