The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
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I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
wut hotdog?
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.