I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
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I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”