When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
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My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
this came to me in a vision
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”