Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
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Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?