No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
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Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
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dutch so unserious
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COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Body by sandwich.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
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[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
boat question
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