No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
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Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
lumberjacks will cut a birch
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Forever 21… pounds overweight
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
This was a bad idea all around
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.