Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
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My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
How many calories are in Twitter beef?