I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
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watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
2022 be like
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Try and stop me.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes