I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
You Might Also Like
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?