I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
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If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Breaking news:
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
shampoo implies shampee
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow