I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
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My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.