Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
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My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
There’s always that one guy
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.