why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
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My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Name this drama.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
The A string on my guit_r is flat
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey